Ignored

What is it about me that is so repulsive? No matter how hard I try I can never make any friends here. I don't care to have a lot of friends; just a few that I can go talk to or hang out with when I want. All you people that live on my floor give me so much crap about not leaving my room often, but you don't make it all that easy. Anytime I try to, most of you, especially the girls make me feel like a freak who shouldn't be hanging around you. Maybe I should transfer then at least I would have my family within 15 minutes of me, so I could just leave campus and go hang with the people that actually want to see me. People need to learn some respect around here. They are all so incredibly stuck up and think they are so great that they can't see how stupid they sound. I will be walking somewhere with my roommates and we will come upon someone that we all know and that person will all most always only say hi to them and completely ignore me. Even if we were just talking the night before or even a few hours earlier. You know that does hurt just a little bit, even know I never let it be known.

Snow

I love snow. Walking on cold nights, rolling down white hills, sledding with a sled that has holes in the bottom. So much fun.

I helped you get your stupid movie and what do I get out of it. I get left behind to spend another fucking Friday night by myself wondering why I even came here. Thanks for nothing bitch.

I need to be held.

I miss waking up and talking to my dad while I eat my bowl of fruit. It's just not something you can used to not doing. My friends here aren't the same as the one's I had in Colorado. I can't tell them stuff like I did my other friends. I'm actually afraid to be myself. I like it here, but the people just aren't the same, they don't seem to want to get to know me or really even be my friend.

I'm close to giving up and just letting the bad happen.

Stupid bitches you can't just leave me behind and then ask me to sit with you when you feel bad because I’m sitting by myself. I HATE YOU. I wish I knew someone here that I could go to when I need to get away from you. But I don't so all I can do is retreat into myself and get further depressed and hate you and the world more.

All the poetry I have ever written is now here for all to see.
I hate people, especially boys. They can't see beyond certain looks to the bitch that really is there.

Mountains Lost

I declare myself lost without my friends. Everytime I hear one of their names all I want to do is call them, but all I really do is start to cry and then I tell myself that it's stupid to cry. But that’s how much I miss all of them. I want to call and talk to them, but I just can't get myself to actually do it. I miss you guys so much.
What is it with guys and getting into your mind? Even 6 hours away and knowing I won't see him for months I still can't help but think about him all the time. I missed an entire algebra lecture because I was staring off in to space thinking about him. Ahh. It's so annoying.

The Black Hills are literally hills. People call them mountains or peaks, like Harney peak the highest point east (I think) of the rocky mountains, and all they really are, are rolling mountains at the most. There are no beautiful peaks or ridges or anything that the rockies have. There are some awesome roads that look like fun to drive in a small car or ride a bike on. The black hills are pretty but they aren't enough to make me not miss Colorado. I miss seeing the mountains all the time. Here you have to drive for about 10 - 20 min. to see the hills. I don't know if I will last more than a year here before I transfer to somewhere else. I'm thinking that Norwich or I might even go as far as going in-state to Ft. Louis.

I'm at school and already hate it. There's a guy in my classes that seems to like me and I kind of like him, but I'm not sure. At times he reminds me of Mike Hack (sp), Which is really scary. There's this website for SDSM&T where you can rate guys or girls from the school. There are some really ugly guys here. http://techhottie.com/

Sorry this one has been deleted. If you haven't already read it then you missed out on a stupid useless confession.

Friends

I don’t give a fucking rat’s ass if I never see any of my friends again. I will just cry myself to sleep for awhile and then go on with my life as I have done in the past.

I've decided that it's the government’s fault that my grandpa died. That and the retard doctors and people who like or support bush in any way.

Boy Crazy

I like a guy a lot. So much that he's pretty much all I can think about. Sadly I have no chance with him since he has a girlfriend and doesn't like me. Life sucks. That’s kind of stupid to say when it’s just a guy, but it does.

I hate being at my mom's house. I feel like I don't belong there. I dread going there so much that I make myself sick. I want to do as my brother did and just not go back there but if I do that it will appear as if I’m stupid and petty like Ethan. He stopped going over to my dad’s because he didn't like my dad’s rules. My reason for wanting to stay at my dad’s all the time is nothing like that, but it something I could never tell my mom. How can you tell someone that you no longer want to live in their house because you don't love them like your suppose to and you can't stand their immaturity and you have always wanted a mom, something they have never been able to be and they just aren't what you want them to be? How can you tell someone that even though they gave birth to you, you don't love them you hate them for everything they've done wrong? I can't forgive her for anything she's ever done. I don't think I can stand even 10 more weeks here.

All I want is to be held in someone’s arms and forget everything. All that is bothering me, all that is wrong and will never be fixed.
All I want is to hear those songs that remind me of when it was just my dad and me. When I didn't care if I had no friends. When I didn't know what stress was. When I didn't worry about paying for college. When I was just my dad’s little hippie.

I lied to you twice, but I'm not sorry. I just can't tell you the truth. It’s not the type of thing I can tell you the truth about. You probably already know I lied to you.
Double standards are for assholes. Think about that one the next time.

It seems spring break has once again fucked things up.

Fuck the world and everyone's pity fests.

All there really is to say is that everything now makes sense or at least when it comes to certain things.

God what the hell is wrong with you. It’s ok for you to do it at a different time, but when I do it you get pissed. I really want to say something, but to do so would mean confrontation and I hate confrontation. You have no clue how pissed I am right now.

Well I guess my question has been answered. The answer as I suspected is no.

He's done it again. He knocked me done in a matter of seconds. Why do I let him do this to me? He's almost as bad as my mom. She's the master of verbal abuse. One word and I’m gone groveling at her feet begging her to tell me what I can do to fix everything. It doesn't have to be my fault. I don't even have to be in the country and it still works. I thought I had finally gotten beyond it and figured out how to ignore it, but last night was proof that I haven't. I hope your happy asshole you made me cry. Not that that’s new, but this time I couldn't even keep it in until I was by myself. It's your fault that I couldn't go home and get in bed and go to sleep like I wanted. I had to wait until you were asleep because you have asbergers which means you have no control over what you do. Bullshit. It’s all just a lie. It’s a disease made up so dumb fucks can use it as an excuse for when they feel like hurting people.

If I died tomorrow would anybody care let anyone notice? During breaks which house will I go to? Will I still have a place to call home? Why do I worry about someone who could care less about me?

Stolen

Lost. That’s what I am now. I feel like I’m completely lost. I have no clue where I’m going or what I’m doing. Everything I’ve ever known has been washed away. Either by me and my stupidity or by other people.

I walk into my room at my dad's house and it doesn't feel like my room and I have no motivation to do anything about it. I want to make it mine so I don't feel like I’m living in a hotel, but I have no clue how. What makes a room yours? Why should I make it feel like it belongs to me? Debs just going to take over it and use it as her sewing room. Why my room? She has the whole house to use as her sew room. There's even an empty room that she's using now for herself. She told me that when she went off to college that her dad took her room and used it as his office and that it's going to be the same way in this household. Why? That's not the way my dad told me it was going to be. How can you feel good about yourself when you come into a family that barely functions as it is and turn everything further upside down? Since I was little and knew what college was it was always know that I would have my room at home until I got a place of my own besides the dorms. Then my parents got divorced, which didn't change anything about the room situation. I would still have a place to call home. Then Deb came along and changed everything. I no longer know what to expect. Am I going to have a room at home that is mine after august or am I going to have to call my car home?

Every day I sit around trying to figure out what I’m going to do until august. So far nothing has sounded like a good plan. Getting a job isn't working so well. I never have any luck. I get an interview but that’s as far as it goes. Everyone keeps telling me to get a job or they will do this or that. It doesn't help. All it does is send me farther down the hole to defeat. This is a place I don’t want to go. I can't admit defeat, but soon I might. If I do that would be the end. Once you admit defeat there is nowhere to go. You're just done with.